End of An Era: Panther Talk Live Taken Out Back and Shot

You've probably already heard by now that my main man Kyle Duerstein has stripped Panther Talk Live of it's wisdom after some commie liberals hippies cried to the news about comments he'd made in the past. Kyle explains the beginnings of PTL:

I had just started a blog, and in journalism, they teach you that news is a business and controversy sells, so the best way to build viewers and readers is to be controversial.

So when Kyle stated that

If mainstream black anglo-hating racists can't find a way to function in normal society and use the intelligence that God gave them, perhaps they ask to be held down and discriminated against, and placed back into slavery

he just meant that being racist was part of the biz and just a simple effort to be controversial. Hell, what else is controversial?

I would be upset about the mainstream media's coverage, but Kyle's reaction to the whole situation has made me doubt that he was ever the conservative Tarzan of Milwaukee's urban jungle that I previously thought he was. Kyle can be seen in the TMJ4 video stating:

These comments were made four years ago. And I believe I've come a long way since then.

What do you mean "come a long way" Kyle? Is this an implied apology? I don't like the sound of this bro.

Even more infuriating over at Panther Talk Live is a ridiculous post where he says things like:

I made a mistake.

and

I regret it.

WTF mate?

Kyle explained his method of writing, which incorporated the words so beautifully inserted into his blog's photo (notice my homage):

I wrote things on my blog in the heat of the moment, when I was angry or worked up about something I read or something I saw, and I wrote something at a time where my emotions were in control.

Kyle...how else would you include "Thought," "Common Sense," "Straight Talking," "Analysis," and "Insight" into PTL if your emotions weren't in complete control of your body and mind? Do you think we'd be watching Glenn Beck if his emotions, real or not, weren't in complete control of his body? No. If Glenn Beck doesn't cry once a week, I'm turning off the television.

Well Kyle, this looks like the end of the road. It's been a crazy ride. I never thought it'd end like this, but I have to say that if you and the Dan Bahrs of the UWM SA had actually stood for the students and exhibited honesty, transparency, and ethics in the SA, then we probably would've never got to this point. So I Thank You for doing your job and keeping the UWM SA a bastion of self interest, as all governments should be!

I'm gonna miss you Kyle

Heidrich Misty Eyed

The Time of My Life

No Comment:

Obamacare and a Bull Moose

I was struck by something in Barack Obama's speech the other night. It was this line:

It has now been nearly a century since Theodore Roosevelt first called for health care reform. And ever since, nearly every President and Congress, whether Democrat or Republican, has attempted to meet this challenge in some way.

Now what if Sarah Palin was alive at the time of Roosevelt's life? At a campaign stop in a city since known for its extreme tolerance, Theodore Roosevelt walked up to a stage to give a speech in his presidential bid. Roosevelt was shot by a local saloon owner. Now what is a real man to do in this situation? Give a speech god damnit! Roosevelt opened a 90-minute speech with:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know whether you fully understand that I have just been shot; but it takes more than that to kill a Bull Moose."

Now this is what we can all expect from a real man like Teddy Roosevelt because he was a Republican. We know Republican stands for heterosexual Christian men and has never changed since the days of Lincoln.

As much as Roosevelt represented the ideal Republican who takes an assassintation attempt in stride, I can't help but think this was a missed opportunity. If we had a time machine we could send ole Sarah Barracuda with a rifle and a helicopter to take down that Bull Moose. She might need armor piercing bullets to get through his manly chest, but in doing so she will preemptively take down Obama's evidence that Republicans ever supported giving healthcare to American citizens. God I love preemptive war.

Well, we can all dream I guess. I'm with Ann Coulter on this though. We could've stopped another Roosevelt to prevent his socialist/fascist/somethingelseist New Deal from giving people Social Security 'n shit. Stupid fucking Al Franken.

Heidrich Preemptive!

What the hell JS?

Kyle Duerstein rode into the emergency Senate meeting last night on his white stallion (or so I imagine) last night to rid the SA of Jay Burseth once and for all. If Burseth had a horse, things would've been taken care of like the SA Constitution states: medieval jousting on horseback. Unfortunately Burseth's working class status keeps him from owning a horse so the Senate took a vote to impeach him.

I know we're all elated at this move (even if disappointed by the missed opportunity to see Kyle in his suit of shining armor), but I've run into something extremely disturbing.

The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel covered the story online, but with one glaring omission. ME!

Where the hell is Panther Talk Jive? My link deserves to be right there at the bottom too! Who has emoted more than me with unrivaled eloquence on Kyle's greatness and rightness? Who has weighed into the depths of the Burseth/Zahorik commie conspiracy more than I?

Well Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, you're on my shit list.

Heidrich Ignored!

Kyle Duerstein = Hope of a Campus

So I’ve been debating on whether I’d ever post to Panther Talk Jive again. This past election had left me so demoralized that I spiraled into a deep depression for most of the summer. I spent days on end just drinking Miller Lite and watching old Super Bowls on cable. As the empty bags of Doritos piled up around my La-Z-Boy and time became inconsequential, I lost the will to masturbate. Just when I thought I had lost all hope I received an email giving me just that. The SA summer session was back at it, building an iron wall around the executive branch. This would not have been possible without one man.

I’ve been watching a lot of 24 lately and I’ve got to say that Jack Bauer is one bad ass and he’ll do anything to save America. While watching the most recent season I had a revelation. We have our own Jack Bauer at UWM and his name is Kyle fucking Duerstein. This man of steel will do anything to save UWM and its student government from the hands of terrorists like Jay Burseth. As Jack Bauer stays up for 24 hours torturing his way through innocent and guilty suspects, Kyle Duerstein valiantly does the same through blogging, student government legislation, and back door deals that make Bernie Madoff look honest. You’re a god damn hero Kyle.

Kyle shoots Bauer-esque bullet holes in the JGB administration throughout his most recent post. He accurately points out that Mike Zahorik is a little bitch that needs to grow a pair, lose that pesky conscience, and overthrow Burseth in a coup. That’s what real men do.

Zahorik will soon open his eyes and follow the Benjamins like all other worthy people. Jay complained about expanding Senate budget and shrinking Executive budget. What he doesn’t realize is that only good people deserve to get paid. Since the Duersteins, Kristopeits, and other great leaders of the SA are no longer in the Executive, they need to create jobs in the Senate to keep feeding those hungry, willing-to-do-whatever-it-takes-mouths. Losing ones morals isn’t such a bad thing, especially when money fills that void so well. Since Duerstein is fiscally responsible he doesn’t want to expand the budget so we need (as Dan Bahr would say) “cuts, cuts, cuts” in the Executive branch. This also helps with job creation; something the maybe President of the United States isn’t doing (come on birthers I’m not convinced he’s an American either!).

I have to say, all this Kyle Duerstein talk has gotten me excited. Literally. I’m back baby! Here I was spending all that money on Cialis to get my “will” back when all I needed was a little dose of Duerstein. Well, I’m gonna go take advantage of this situation while I’ve got the chance.*

Heidrich excited!

*Edit: Some PTJ Patriots emailed in concerning my arousal after reading Kyle Duerstein’s post. Just to be clear it was a power boner, not a gay boner. Totally different.

MORE BREAKING FUCKING NEWS

Hold on to the seat of your toilet because ohhhhh boy do I got some breaking news for you!

Shit...it looks like Kyle beat me to the punch over at Panther Talk Jive. Well, now you know. Helen Marmachev has vacated her position. I never did receive word if she took Kyle's advice to change her "bitchy demeanor and shitty anti-student practices."

I think Kyle and I deserve Pulitzers because we're so fucking eloquent, don't you?

Send me your thoughts on the subject: panthertalkjive@gmail.com

RH Out!

BREAKING NEWS

This just in:

Kyle Duerstein is back with a vengeance!

He's going to call you hippies out.

Get over it.

Now this.

---------------------------------

I hope you've all been checking out Panther Talk Live because KJD is back at it!

First off, he's confirmed one of my long standing suspicions that the man formerly known as Jay Burseth is actually named Jay Guevara-Burseth (JGB) and he's a dangerous revolutionary on our campus. You know what that means Kyle? You need to hunt Guevara-Burseth down in the Downer Woods with UWM S.A.F.E. staff and take him to whatever dank remote place Russell Scott has been occupying on campus. Take your cues from the U.S. govt. on what to do with a Guevara...or just leave him with Russell, that's terrifying enough.

Now Kyle points out that JGB has a new blog (http://jayburseth.blogspot.com/). Kyle accurately points out the level of quality in this order: Panther Talk Live>Panther Talk Jive>Photos of dead babies> UWM Post> Jay Guevara-Burseth's blog. KJD astutely points out that the past administration played a few pranks with a dead bird, some paper, and photos...oh yeah, and shredded almost every piece of paper in the S.A. They're just recycling all of those old governing documents, records, and evidence of crime! I thought you'd like that "green" shit hippies! When life gives you heaps of shredded official documents, you make compost.

Again, Kyle points out that these whiny hippies can just look at the UWM website for the pdfs of these documents. That's how our founding fathers did it and that's how we do it at UWM commies!

Now about the dead bird. Kyle explained this pretty clearly:

Who plans on finding a dead bird in a freezer? I mean, come on. Best idea, no. Adult decision, probably not.

I got your back Kyle. No one's ever accused the outgoing administration of being adults and the Guevara-Burseth crowd better not start or we'll be pissed!

At the end of the day, you're all idiots!

RH Summer VAKAY!

Bring the Bahr Back!

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Ohler/Raatz wimped out. Grove Stove is a failure. Kristopeit didn't seize control of the SA. We haven't heard a word from Kyle Duerstein in weeks. The PTJ Patriots apparently haven't secured my three year term yet so we need to move on to our next strategy.

We need Daniel FUCKING Bahr!

We need His Bahrness to ride in on his golden bull of student government justice. Rid us of these god damn hippies, oh master Bahr. If you can't do it on your own, bring your sidekick Tobin Hubergertzky or whatever. He knows how to fuck shit up royally. Bring us back to the glory days when student organizations feared asking their student government for anything. Hire your own government from your pool of personal friends and rule with an iron fist.

Remember Dan, mandates aren't given, they're taken!

RH Raise the Bahr!

PTJ Patriots Rise Up!

I, Richard Heidrich, am calling on all PTJ Patriots to rise up and demand justice in the most recent student goverment election! The Radical Hippie Mouthpiece has posted an article stating that Jay Burseth and Mike Zahorik have won the election without even posting how many write in votes I received.

Are we going to just sit around and allow the UWM Post to run our elections? (we all know Grove Stove won't run it properly)

Forget about finals week. Drop everything and demand justice for me, Richard Heidrich. Let's bring some sane, rational, straight jive to this campus once and for all! If I'm not President, who is going to tell you how to think?

RH Revolution!

ARRRRRGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

It's a DAMN HIPPY TAKEOVER. THEY'RE ALMOST AS BIG AS CITY HALL! RUNNNNNNNNN!

Dammit Grove Stove!

I am irate! Is it seriously the second day of the election and the Hippies aren't bellyaching about being kicked off the ballot!? Grove Stove, I thought you had this one handled! WTF Mate?

Look at this picture. I once admired everyone in this photo, but now I don't know if I can say that anymore. On the left (no pun intended, but Bahr is Pelosi-loving Democrat) we have the successful Daniel V(ictorious) Bahr. On the right and center we have two people who have failed to drop these damn hippies from the ballot! Tyler, this was your job!

This lack of leadership leaves me no choice...

VOTE Heidrich 2009-2012!

That's right folks, I'm officially announcing my candidacy as a write in for both President and Vice President for the new 3 year term that I will be implementing with an iron fist. The campaign starts now! Email your fellow PTJ Patriots (our new street team) and get them to intimidate their friends into voting for me.

It's going to be a great 3 years...

RH Vote!

A Message From Pepperoni/Cannoli to Burseth/Zahorik

I recently ran into Frank on Brady Street, selling his delicious pepperonis and cannolis. He seemed to be well informed on the UWM SA so I asked him what he thought of Jay Burseth and Mike Zahorik.

Thanks Frank!

RH Out!

Wango Tango

In case you didn't get my reference earlier today:

Talking with the Candidates: Kristopeit Edition

Well, the winning ticket decided to send in their answers with a sincere apology on their lateness.

1. Why is America the greatest?
Who could best a country where a guy like Richard Heidrich could rise up and become a top political pundit in a first-class, urban research University? Plus, we have Chuck Norris contained within our fine borders…

RH: You forgot about the Nuge.

2. How will you represent people whose ideology differs from yours?
I won’t… Just kidding.

But, seriously, I promise nothing less than my absolute best in reaching out to students, regardless of their ideology or other identification. At the end of the day, I will have been elected to be the leader of all the students – and I will make sure that each of them knows that both myself and the student government are looking out for them.

RH: Spineless, huh?


3. What salary are you offering me to be your press secretary?
Well, Richard – I gotta win this thing first. But, due to the wildly successful blog you operate here, know you will be first on the list of qualified applicants I consider. As an aside, the position will be called “Public Relations Director” and will be required to send weekly news-updates to the student body – think you’re up for it?


RH: Come on Tyler, ole Grove Stove's got this one in the bag for you. I'm not sure what you mean by "list of qualified applicants," unless you just plan on having my name repeated over and over again. Once I have this position it will not have such a wimpy name, but something more like "Truth Master" or "Straight Jiver." You will also refer to me as "His Jiveness, Richard Heidrich." This is all non-negotiable. Get back to me on that salary (benefits?).


4. How will you keep gay marriage off campus?
Sorry to disappoint you, Richard – I’m not going to do that. Please don’t be mad at me…

RH: Refer to comments on Question #2.


5. How has the liberal elite media (UWM Post) been treating you?
Did anyone else notice that the font size used this week (in the print edition of the UWM POST) in my editorial was smaller than that of my opponent? ‘Nuff said.

RH: I didn't notice actually. I tore as many copies of Burseth's editorial out of every UWM Post I could find and used them as toilet paper.

6. Who would you bring to Pantherfest 2009?
DMB opening for Phish, of course.

RH: This man knows how to pander!


7. Sound off. What do you want to leave PTJers thinking about?
It has been a great week, reaching out to students with my “straight-jive rhetoric”. At the end of the day, I hope that my hard work and strong record of the past two years shows students that I have the ability to lead the best year of SA - ever.

RH: YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!

RH Wango Tango!

Talking with the Candidates: Burseth Edition

I sent the following email to Tyler Kristopeit and Jay Burseth recently:

I've been getting a lot of flak from PTJers for not giving the two of you a fair chance to go head to head so I thought I'd send these questions out to you. You can share them with your VPs, but I think we all know they're just pretty faces without any real ideas.

Well, it looks like Jay Burseth as one testicle and wrote me back. Here's what he had to say:

1. Why is America the greatest?
- America is the greatest because it gives opportunities to all its citizens and makes it so someone like me, a lower working class youth, the possibility of becoming the Student President of a University. While this nation has it's problems, I hope to see it flourish by giving everyone the opportunity to have equal rights to education, health care, employment, and other possibilities which would eliminate the problems that plague us like poverty, war, and de facto segregation.

RH: Yes Jay, we do have equal rights to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps.

2. How will you represent people whose ideology differs from yours?
- My goal as UWM SA President would be to hear the voices of all the students, no matter what their ideology or background, equally. I would represent those with opposing ideologies in the same way I would represent those I ally myself with, in a way that is democratic and just.

RH: Ok, so you'll hear all their voices, but I'm concerned that you'll ignore the wrongs ones.

3. What salary are you offering me to be your press secretary?
- When elected into the Executive Branch, I will be taking resumes and applications from everyone in an equal manner. I cannot promise you a position in the branch, but I will accept your resume. I also cannot promise you or anyone else who applies for any position (myself included) a salary. Further, I have not come to the conclusion whether or not a Press Secretary would be a necessity for our government.

RH: Here's my resume: panthertalkjive.blogspot.com I require at least $14/hr.

4. How will you keep gay marriage off campus?
- I welcome gay marriage. In fact, I will work to give same sex partners the right to have the benefits as other married staff and faculty.

RH: You better not try to gay marry me while I'm in class!


5. How has the liberal elite media (UWM Post) been treating you?
- The UWM Post has been incredibly professional and I look forward to working with them in the future.

RH: By professional you mean that they've been giving you a soft ball questions all along. Typical liberals.

6. Who would you bring to Panthfest 2009?
- I haven't put too much effort into coming with a list of performers, but off the top of my head I'd like to see Street Sweeper Social Club, Rise Against, Against Me, and/or Sage Francis. But, ideally, I would like to open that discussion up for more students at UWM.

RH: Well I don't think any of those are on the radio so they probably suck. The correct answer to this question was DMB opening for Phish. You failed.

7. Sound off. What do you want to leave PTJers thinking about?
- I would just like to say that I believe I am the best candidate for SA because I believe in a government that is truly for, by, and of the students and I would put every ounce of my energy into making this a reality. The opportunity for a book rental program is also a main initiative I'd push forcefully.

RH: Lame

Well, that's what we got from Jay Burseth. Pretty boring if you ask me. Now where's that Kristo response?

RH Out!

R.I.P. Bea

You Know What I Hate? Pt. 3 - Tandem Bikes and Hippies!

Look Into My Sexy Eyes

For all of you that don't have a background photo on your computer, now you do. You're welcome.

RH Out!

PTJ Election Coverage Feedback

Well the emails keep flooding in, but I've been tied up with frisbee golf practice so here's just a sampling:

"Where can I get my American flag/crucifix adorned Kristo-Kristi Campaign t-shirt?" - Jared Calhoun

"You really know your straight jive. By the way, dead on with your Julio Guerrero piece." - Mike Zahorik

"I'm glad to see a compassionate conservative take up our cause on the internets." - Emma Sonney

"You're an ignorant piece of shit. Have some respect for people." - Countless Hippies

A Kristo-Kristi Win

The smell of chalk dust in the air signals the beginning of campaigning season so I'd better tell you why the Tyler Kristopeit / Kristi Anderson ticket is the best. Here we go:

1. Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
Jay Burseth and Mike Zahorik are godless hippies that want to have orgies in the middle of the union just because they can. We all know marriage is between a man and a woman and sex (at least among Christians) never happens outside of marriage. Once good Christians are married, sex is only missionary...no butt play folks.

I'm also inclined to vote for whoever has the closest name to Jesus Christ and as Tyler pointed out this is the Kristo-Kristi Campaign. If I'm not mistaken, Kristopeit is German for Christ-lover. I'm sold.

2. Fiscal Conservatism
Tyler Kristopeit has been a part of the College Republicans and Conservative Union for many years now and always emphasized fiscal responsibility through SUFC. Now I know what you're thinking, "but Richard, the College Republicans just requested over $144,000 for next semester to operate." Well they only got $53,000 of that...asshole. That's almost a third of what they wanted! As the College Republicans spending on campus balloons out of control, who better to reign it in than College Republican and soon to be President of the SA Tyler Kristopeit?

3. Straight Jive - Kristi Anderson
I think Kristi Anderson held her own as Team Hippy rambled on endlessly in this Radical Hippie Mouthpiece article. Let's see what she had to say:

UWM Post: Are you in support of the name change idea?
Anderson: I am

UWM Post: What do you think can be done to get students more involved in student government?
Anderson: ____________

Great ideas Kristi!



4. Why so serious?
If there's one thing the SA needs, it's time to take a chill pill. Well, not literally...pills haven't been working out so well on our campus lately. Regardless, I think Kristo-Kristi can bring some love to this arena. Look at Kristi having a good time in local Milwaukee bars. Now I know what you're thinking again (I'm claravoyant or whatever): Isn't it stupid to advertise your illegal activity as an underage drinker on facebook via your photos? What you don't know (and Kristi's way ahead of you on this one) is that Kristi's mom took all of those photos making it legal for her to drink underage in Milwaukee bars. I'm sure all of Kristi's friends (and mom) will confirm this.



5. The Photo
I just want to compare the two photos taken of the separate tickets. In the Burseth/Zahorik photo two seemingly heterosexual hippies standing a bit too close for my comfort. Does that brown sweater signify something? I don't know, I just report the facts, you decide!
Now the Kristo-Kristi photo: Tyler holds a perfect pose, unnatural political smile, and a rigid lean on the ledge behind him...that's a good politician people! Kristi Anderson is just the right distance away from Kristopeit so no hanky panky can take place between the two of them. She also displays plenty of school spirit with that kick ass UWM apparel. A+ Kristo-Kristi!

Well, I think I've given you five damn good reasons to vote for Team Kristo-Kristi. Hell, vote twice (see Rob "On my IEC throne, bitches" Grover for more details).

RH Election Sweep!

Julio Guerreo is an Asshole

Look, I love everyone, but Julio Guerrerero is a fucking asshole! When will this "I lost the SA Elections and need to remind you of it" shit stop!? I know, I know, Julio, "shredded votes," "kicked off the ballot," "Scott should have been VP," "I'm a liberal commie." I've heard all of your whiny rants and I'm just tired of them!.

So please stop posting these fucking articles on facebook from the Madison.com website about the Radical Hippie Mouthpiece not getting their little pieces of paper from the SA.

Listen Julio, anyone can come up with 147 pages and turn them into J.B. Van Hollen ("Justice Bitches Van Hollen?), but that doesn't mean this is newsworthy or I would have seen it on Panther Talk Live.

RH Out!

SA Elections: Burseth and Zahorik

Jay Burseth and Mike Zahorik must be stopped. The UWM Post, hereafter referred to as "Hippie Radical Mouthpiece" posted an interview with these two turds (Kyle, back me up on this one) recently. Look at what they said:

it’s ridiculous that we have to pay $400 or $500 a semester [on books] - Burseth

That's what the market dictates asshole! Live with it you whiny hippie.

Look what they want to do to the structure of the student government!

Open forums, everyone knows what’s going on with the Senate. And most importantly, online veto power so all students would have a direct say in what gets passed. If they really feel passionate about something, they can organize around it and not just complain to the legislators who wrote it. - Burseth

Hey, let's test it out PTJers! Email sdsjay@gmail.com and veto his campaign. We don't need an open forum! We already have elected representatives that you can contact at the UWM SA Legislative website.
Seriously, click that thing, click on your school's Senators, and email them to tell them that they should also veto the Burseth/Zahorik Campaign. That's representation!

On changing UWM's name to something great:

But with the current economic situation it’s really hard to convince people that we should spend money on this and not combat the amount of tuition increase that’s happening every semester. It’s almost putting the future possibility of being marketed better before the students. - Zahorik

Shut up tool.

I think that hard hitting critique is going to simmer in your little noggins for a few days, but I'll be back with my admiration for the good ticket as soon as I get a chance.

RH Out!

P.S. That picture (and pink collar) shows us how close Jay wants to get to Santiago...too close for my comfort!

Come on, Kyle!

Kyle Duerstein recently posted at Panther Talk Live on the subject of the failed Ohler/Raatz 2009 "Craze the Elections" campaign. All Kyle needed to do was inform us of this decision, but instead he had to take a swipe at your old friend Richard here at PTJ.

What the fuck Kyle? Not only did I have a major breakdown when I read the news, but you had to go and insult me on Panther Talk Live, one of the Top 10 College Internet Radio programs in the U.S.! You son of a...oh Kyle, I can't stay mad at you.

;)

RH Out!

That Student Association Smile

You know the one, that grin you get when you hear the Student Association is back to the old days of 15 minute meetings and approval of all good agenda items. Talk about efficiency!

I think we all need to take a little time and congratulate our man Robert "Finally IEC Bitches" Grover or "Grove Stove" as his adoring fans (me) like to call him, on finally becoming the IEC. Apparently this Stuart Gavin fuck doesn't get it. Rob was the President of the Students United for Change party which now controls the student government and is now the Independent Election Commissioner presiding over the election that will oversee a smooth transition for SUFC, which no longer exists. Get over it hippy!

Now I know what some of you liberal critics are going to say, but it's not Grover's fault that around half the amount of candidates are running this year compared to last year. This is merely an acceptance of current policies carried out by the SA and approval of the now non-existant SUFC agenda. Well, good luck to all the non-hippy candidates!

Look for my candidate breakdown when I'm done trading stocks.

RH Delighted!

P.S. Ladies, I hear the Grove Stove is cookin' a big ole spicy sausage just for you! Just make sure he takes it off the stove before it gets too hot or you'll have a hell of a mess to clean up.

You Know What I Hate? Pt.2 - The Gays

I am enraged!!!!!! Well I guess that's not new, but look at what Iowa did! Do we have to call Iowa a purple state now? I'm surprised at ABC News' amazing coverage. They have correctly identified Iowa as the "Gay Marriage Mecca." I always knew those Muslims were trying to turn us gay. Why can't they just stay in their countries and leave us alone!? I mean, at least we made it safe for everyone in Iraq and the Afghanistani people have democracy sprouting in their overgrown poppy fields.

Fuck it! Let's Boycott Iowa. No more corn, no more trucks stops, no more Quaker Oats. Let's do this.

RH Boycott!

Is it True?

Few people (such as this great man) know my pain.

On March 26th, at 8:14AM Mr. Joseph P. Ohler made the following statement on a facebook group wall:

After encountering difficulty making time off from my job and homework to get nomination signatures, Johanan and I agreed to not try to get anymore and will hence not be running for Student Association President and Vice President. I'll let Johanan speak or himself, but any candidate who wants to negotiate an endorsement and/or campaign help from me can send me a message.

Where we go from here is unclear.

My life has been shattered, torn, cut to pieces, torched like hippies would an American flag. How could something so catastrophic happen? I'll be in the corner of my room, curled up in a ball and sobbing if you need me.

RH Depressed.

Gay Liberal Hollywood Elites Finally Apologize

Nothing irks me more than gay people getting married...unless they're gay commies getting married. The thought of that just makes my palms sweaty. I am glad that some of gay people have used their celebrity to apologize for their ways. I don't find Ms. de Rossi's apology funny, but then again I haven't laughed since I was 12 years old. I hope to see other notable gays' apologies in the coming days (I'm looking at you Barney Frank).

Damn Activist Legislators

Can you believe these Vermont activist legislators? Who do they think they are? Marriage is between a man and a woman. The idea of one man sensually stroking another man's soft penis, making it rigid, until ejaculation weirds me out man! And the whole butt sex thing! Don't even get me started.

Some people say homosexuality is in nature, even have whole exhibits on the shit, but I think our photoshop skills have progressed too far.



RH Out!

Tyler Draheim Makes His Move

It appears as though President Draheim has made his move. He finally laid down the law, banning everyone in his administration from the SA office.

How will this play out? I'm guessing President Draheim's bold move will end up saving the SA on their electricity bill, a move few other fiscal conservatives would have thought up. That's what I like to see in this administration. Thinking outside the box.

On the other hand, SHAC has been up to their old devious ways. It seems as though those assholes have taken over the SA! Draheim, Bahr, Kristopeit, Grover, Duerstein, UNITE! Only you can save the empire from the evils of SHAC (Students Hating All Coolness)! Bring your light sabers, massive pens, and legislative abilities. They will all be needed. Call on Sith Lord Rueden if need be, but keep it under wraps.

RH Out!

P.S. Apparently this Panther forced herself (come on, he's not gay) on President Draheim. I hope he got his too!

Spring Break!!!!!

It's been a little while since I've given you any straight jive, but that's because I've been on Spring Break. For me it's the craziest time of year. I usually go to Florida or South Padre and look at all the ladies, but this year I headed to Mexico.

That State Department terrified me at first, but then I realized I'm invincible. Mexico's never seen the likes of "Big Dick" Heidrich before, but I showed 'em what I'm all about. Mexico is a dude's paradise. People actually want to give you blowjobs for $10!!!! Can you believe that? Usually me and my bros gotta coerce some ladies into these things, but not in good ole Mexico!

Besides all the good cheap lovin' I've been catching up on the latest James Frey book and contemplating a DMB/Phish tour...could it ever happen? Maybe...if the shrooms aline.

Anyway, I'm leaving Mexico soon. I'm not too sure what Mexicans do, but it seems like they're kind of poor. I guess they just don't work hard enough because if they worked really hard they'd all be CEOs by now, especially Mexican women.

Anyway, when I get back I'm going to WalMart to help support the American economy in this financial crisis. I think you'd all better do your part and hit America's biggest clothing chains to help the American textile industry stay afloat.

RH Out!

"Joseph P. Ohler and Johanan Raatz Reporting for Duty Sir"

Those are the words I imagine I would have heard if I were Joe Ohler and Johanan Raatz's commanding officer in the UWM Army Corps of Government. It seems Ohler and Raatz are as great of citizens as I believed and are now collecting signatures for the Presidency/Vice Presidency of the Student Association.

I have to admit a little disappointment that Ohler didn't go it alone as I had hoped, but hey, at least he'll have a hippie-confusing ally in Raatz. With the elimination of parties in the student government, the legions of Ohlerites will have to run on their own, but don't worry, I'm sure there will be plenty of direction (see UWM Post Editorial Section only if it has the name "Raatz" involved). If Johanan Raatz's editorials are any hint of what we'll see in the 2009-2012* term of Ohler/Raatz, then in no time we'll see:

- Faith based leadership
- Elimination of VOX for their hippy opposition
- Straight Jive that we can all appreciate

In addition, some of the initiatives future President Ohler is pushing:
- Free food!
- Everyone has to "Friend Request" Joe Ohler on Facebook or risk suspension
- Bylaw amendment to UPB elminating that pesky "cohabitation" clause (you're welcome Russell Scott)

If that little list doesn't get you all riled up for this coming election season, I don't know what will.

RH Out!

* Note the three year administration which insiders say will be Team Ohler/Raatz's first executive decision to bring much needed stability to the student government.

My Mentor

I just thought introduce everyone to my mentor and the future of the Republican party:



Even a 13 year old can do it!

You Know What I Hate? Pt. 1

You know what I hate? Earmarks. They make me cuss like a sailor in Saginaw. This new omnibus is loaded full of Democratic earmarks everywhere. My good friend Michelle Malkin highlighted some of this disgusting waste:

$200,000 for Tattoo Removal Violence Prevention Outreach Program
$473,000 for the National Council of La Raza
$657,000 for Brown Tree Snakes in Guam
$5.8 million for the Ted Kennedy Institute for the Senate

Can you believe this!? This adds up to like...$7 million! This could pay for like 5 seconds of the War in Iraq. Thanks a lot Democrats, now we're going to lose because of your god damn greedy money grubbing grubbiness. What do the Democrats have doing giving Guam any money? Guam should be taking care of itself as a soveriegn nation making whatever Guamies make (widgets)?

National Council of La Raza? I'm only for this if it's to build a wall around their offices. Damn I love walls. I'd build a damn wall around my heart if I could. I hear the Israelis got a great one and I'm hoping we can build one around San Francisco. Don't get me started on San Francisco!

Now my friend Michelle Malkin was on the news discussing a key point that founding father Thomas Jefferson made. Jefferson said this:

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who do not."

Like Michelle says, we need to get back to these principles. What did Thomas Jefferson ever take from those who were willing to work? The Republicans are supposed to be leading us out of this mess, but are in bed with the Democrats when it comes to thinking people should be able to keep their homes. I guess the Republicans' love for Jefferson's principles extends to their love for his lovin' of the local ladies...well, the ones he owned. Whatever. What I'm saying is that Republicans are great and they're going to lead us out of this Democratic mess we've been mired in ever since Obama took office.

So this is a call to y'all to get hatin' earmarks like me.

RH Out!

Men at Work

I don't think people give the student government enough credit for all of the work they do on a daily basis. The Senate Appropriations Committee hears countless grant proposals every other week. The liberal commie rag, UWM Post recently took notice of this fact. The picture on the left shows my man KD exercising his right as a SAC committee member and exercising that giant right hand with an equally giant pen. You know what they say about men with giant pens, don't you?

If you in fact know what they say about men with giant pens, please send us an email at panthertalkjive@gmail.com so myself and all of the PTJ fans out there can find out.

Don't read the rest of that article because it's probably filled with Post-hatred for the current student govt., but at least they showed that SAC is doing their job rejecting the liberal agenda on campus (Students for a Democratic Society and Milwaukee Baseball) from getting their hippie grants.

More straight jive later!

RH Out!

Google Bastards

I was duped by Google Image Search into posting a photo of Fidel Castro just a few minutes ago. Here's the real Johanan Raatz.

Draft Joseph P. Ohler/Johanan Raatz

Enough! After thinking about all of the things that have happened this past year, we need radical change. I'm sick of this centrist government always appeasing the liberals on campus. We need fast action and tons of meaningful legislation. That's why I am drafting Joseph P. Ohler Jr. for President. Last year he showed us he could take tough stands , but (no disrespect Grove Stove) Rob Grover decided to cave the liberal hippie agenda for whatever reason and veto Joe's legislation. Joe's a thrifty guy. I certainly want a President who checks vending machine change slots and doesn't shower that often.

If we're drafting a President, shouldn't we draft a Vice President? Personally, I think Joe embodies the ideal President/VP so why not collect two salaries? Others think that's "politically insane" and "asinine," but they're also idiots.

If Joe has to run with someone, I'm informed that Johanan Raatz would be an amazing veep. I don't know Mr. Raatz so I did a google search of him. Below is a photo of him, presumably. It's the first one that appears when doing a google image search.

Now if Joe and Johanan get into those dreaded campaign debates, Joe can pull out his secret weapon. Although I'm divulging future campaign secrets, there's really nothing anyone can do about this one. Johanan will just begin to talk to the opposition about philosophy, ideology, and whatever else he has been reading about in his racecar bed at home. If that won't shut 'em down, nothing will!

What a Week!

Tommy "poopy pants" Hughes finally resigned. About time! I can't believe I worshipped him last year during the election (sorry folks, only evidence is in my diary, otherwise I'd like to a post).

Now let's all remember that Kristi Anderson is amazing. I saw her photo for the first time in the UWM Post and knew she was qualified! God, I hope she runs for office again. Seriously, God? You hear that? Ok, just checkin.

My main man Bobby Grover is still on his inevitable track to IEC-stardom, keep it up Grove Stove.

Boy am I glad the Post has comments enabled. I wasn't sure about former student Bryce Muenchow's sexual orientation, but he reassured everyone that he fucked the bejeezus out of a couple of former SHAC directors. Go Bryce! I mean, SHAC directors!? I'm still tryin my ways with some ladies on the LGBT Center subcommittee. I think they'll give in soon enough. I could only dream about SHAC directors. Again, you're the man Bryce, don't let any anonymous UWMPost commenter tell you any different!

Let's get to the meaty heart of what happened at Sunday's Senate meeting. The liberal commie hippy agenda freaks (Katie Jesse, Jon Weimer) presented some bullshit legislation to stop people from being in the legislative branch and the executive branch at the same time! I know!!! What are they thinking? Is this the fucking U.S. Federal government (Don't even get me started on those bleeding hearts)? Last I checked, this is the student government where we can be in as many branches of government as we want! Hell, I think we need another one and I don't think I'm alone (Kristopee* help me out on this one). The liberal freaks kept talking about people being influenced because they'd be working for a President and in the Senate. When has that ever happened?

In other news Dan Carpenter was approved to the Senate.

Well, that's it for now Jive lovers. I gots to get me some sleep. This baloney tires me out!

RH Out!

*Ask Tyler Kristopeit how he got this nickname (hint: It involved many a fine lady and what Tyler refers to as his "no no touch").

PTJ Feedback

Reaction to my blog has been amazing! Thanks all you PTJ fans out there! I just wanted to share some excerpts from the emails I've received:

"You nailed it right on the head! Tommy really is a smelly idiot head" - Tommy Hughes' dad

"I'm glad we could finally get some hard hitting straight jive on the student government from someone who knows their straight jive" - Julio Guerrero, ASAP loser

"This student government needs some hippie bongo drumming, meet me at the beach at midnight on a full moon!" - Carlo Albano, hippie

"I'm concerned about this straight jive, I may have to rewrite some bylaws to stop this" - Tyler Draheim, President

"I am utterly confused by the student government's lack of transparency, separation of powers, and basic respect for democracy" - Dan Lungar, Student (probably hippie)

RH Out!

Tommy Hughes is a Smelly Liar

That's right. Tommy Hughes is a smelly liar. Why? Because he had the gall to think the honorable Robert Ennis Chamberlain Grover* was not capable of being a good independent election commissioner (IEC).










For those of you who don't know, Tommy "I Smell Like Scot Detman's Smelly Farts" Hughes is on the left. Then you have Mr. Draheim, his impartialness Dan Bahr, and Rob "Soon to be IEC bitches!" Grover.

Luckily, the UWM Post (Liberal Commie Rag) has informed us that the Senate is just a body to be sidestepped in the process. All they do is recommend to the President who he wants to run the election and in what way. That way, all current members of the winning party in the student government will get a fair shake. It's as simple as that you smelly fucking hippies.
By the way, what's up with Helen Smarmachev? I think I need to defer to Herr Duerstein on this one. Take it away bro:

A world of difference between two campuses an hour down the road from each
other. I guess it pays to have the right people in the right positions in
administration. UW-Milwaukee has a change to make. Either that or Mamarchev
could stand to change her bitchy demeanor and shitty anti-student practices.
I hear there aren't any signs of hell freezing over, despite cold surface
conditions, and even colder relations between students and the Division of
Student Affairs.

Nice job on calling her out KD! It's about time someone exposed her for her "bitchy demeanor and shitty anti-student practices." If only she could take a fucking hint and be professional like us sons a bitches.


RH Out!


*These may not be Mr. Grover's middle names, but I think they make him sound more dignified. You're welcome Grov Stove.

Paid Lazy Worker Days

Nathan Johnson with the UWM Liberal Commie Rag wrote an editorial about Paid Sick Days recently. More like paid lazy ass worker days if you ask me. Let's see what he has to say:

Imagine yourself as a single working mother living paycheck to paycheck, and
then your child becomes sick.

I'm a guy Nathan, I don't know what it's like to be a woman. Strike 1 against your argument.

Such provisions are perfectly rational and humane. If somebody is sick, you
wouldn’t want them coming to work and making everybody else sick, reducing
overall productivity and causing unnecessary trouble for coworkers and clients.

Wrong again! I have stock in pharmaceutical companies. The more sick people, the more I get in dividends. Let's be more creative about this. I often look to the Bible for solutions and I think I've found one. In the olden days they had leper colonies. We could simply have a sick wing where the unclean (as they will be known) must work until they are clean.

Millionaires not only don’t have to go to work when they are sick, they
don’t have to work at all if they don’t want to. The working class, though,
certainly don’t have this luxury.

Millionaires don't have to work because they've already worked so hard that they shouldn't have to! Duh! I think it's the millionaires that don't have the luxury of being like the lazy working class. What, do you think millionaires just happened to be born and all of a sudden have a ton of money? I don't even know what you'd call that! The point is, millionaires have pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and offer society a great example of what to be like (see television for more on this). The other point, Strike 3, you're outta here!

RH Out!

Dangerous Proximity

Jan Peter Balkenende, Prime Minister of the Netherlands (formerly Dutchland), has been plotting against the United States. A recent Wikipedia search tells me that Balkenende has been plotting since the 1500's to take over America. Did you know that Aruba and the Netherlands Antilles are associated with the Netherlands!? I know! Me neither!

Amerigo Vespucci (translation: America the Great) found Aruba uninhabitated in 1499 and meant for America to have it. Ever since then it's been an operating base for anti-American Netherlandian hatred.

Keep a vigilante watch all of you on America's divine borders!

RH Out!

Dutch/Obama Conspiracy

After my last post, everything just came together with a quick google search. The search found this article: Dutch support for Obama grows
How deep does the Dutch conspiracy to support "Bussein" go? Only my assumptions and speculation can tell. Stay tuned!

RH Out!

Nagged by the Hague

The Christian Science Monitor reports that the Dutch are angry about President Bush's brilliant legislation to protect our troops from disgusting "international laws." I'm glad a good Christian publication could help us identify the enemies within (namely Barack Hussein Obama). B. Hussein Obama, or "Bussein" as his friends call him, might take away our right to unilaterally invade the Hague to free our soldiers from a fair trial under international law. LKFJEWIKRNFC KGFdj@ :!$JRT$%#)Uge3w2 54rtfedg4350tgbc

Sorry, I get so upset sometimes my body just spasms.

The Dutch need to learn to keep their international justice where it belongs, Dutchland.

RH Out!

ARRRGHHH!