Kyle Duerstein = Hope of a Campus

So I’ve been debating on whether I’d ever post to Panther Talk Jive again. This past election had left me so demoralized that I spiraled into a deep depression for most of the summer. I spent days on end just drinking Miller Lite and watching old Super Bowls on cable. As the empty bags of Doritos piled up around my La-Z-Boy and time became inconsequential, I lost the will to masturbate. Just when I thought I had lost all hope I received an email giving me just that. The SA summer session was back at it, building an iron wall around the executive branch. This would not have been possible without one man.

I’ve been watching a lot of 24 lately and I’ve got to say that Jack Bauer is one bad ass and he’ll do anything to save America. While watching the most recent season I had a revelation. We have our own Jack Bauer at UWM and his name is Kyle fucking Duerstein. This man of steel will do anything to save UWM and its student government from the hands of terrorists like Jay Burseth. As Jack Bauer stays up for 24 hours torturing his way through innocent and guilty suspects, Kyle Duerstein valiantly does the same through blogging, student government legislation, and back door deals that make Bernie Madoff look honest. You’re a god damn hero Kyle.

Kyle shoots Bauer-esque bullet holes in the JGB administration throughout his most recent post. He accurately points out that Mike Zahorik is a little bitch that needs to grow a pair, lose that pesky conscience, and overthrow Burseth in a coup. That’s what real men do.

Zahorik will soon open his eyes and follow the Benjamins like all other worthy people. Jay complained about expanding Senate budget and shrinking Executive budget. What he doesn’t realize is that only good people deserve to get paid. Since the Duersteins, Kristopeits, and other great leaders of the SA are no longer in the Executive, they need to create jobs in the Senate to keep feeding those hungry, willing-to-do-whatever-it-takes-mouths. Losing ones morals isn’t such a bad thing, especially when money fills that void so well. Since Duerstein is fiscally responsible he doesn’t want to expand the budget so we need (as Dan Bahr would say) “cuts, cuts, cuts” in the Executive branch. This also helps with job creation; something the maybe President of the United States isn’t doing (come on birthers I’m not convinced he’s an American either!).

I have to say, all this Kyle Duerstein talk has gotten me excited. Literally. I’m back baby! Here I was spending all that money on Cialis to get my “will” back when all I needed was a little dose of Duerstein. Well, I’m gonna go take advantage of this situation while I’ve got the chance.*

Heidrich excited!

*Edit: Some PTJ Patriots emailed in concerning my arousal after reading Kyle Duerstein’s post. Just to be clear it was a power boner, not a gay boner. Totally different.