Dammit Grove Stove!

I am irate! Is it seriously the second day of the election and the Hippies aren't bellyaching about being kicked off the ballot!? Grove Stove, I thought you had this one handled! WTF Mate?

Look at this picture. I once admired everyone in this photo, but now I don't know if I can say that anymore. On the left (no pun intended, but Bahr is Pelosi-loving Democrat) we have the successful Daniel V(ictorious) Bahr. On the right and center we have two people who have failed to drop these damn hippies from the ballot! Tyler, this was your job!

This lack of leadership leaves me no choice...

VOTE Heidrich 2009-2012!

That's right folks, I'm officially announcing my candidacy as a write in for both President and Vice President for the new 3 year term that I will be implementing with an iron fist. The campaign starts now! Email your fellow PTJ Patriots (our new street team) and get them to intimidate their friends into voting for me.

It's going to be a great 3 years...

RH Vote!

A Message From Pepperoni/Cannoli to Burseth/Zahorik

I recently ran into Frank on Brady Street, selling his delicious pepperonis and cannolis. He seemed to be well informed on the UWM SA so I asked him what he thought of Jay Burseth and Mike Zahorik.

Thanks Frank!

RH Out!

Wango Tango

In case you didn't get my reference earlier today:

Talking with the Candidates: Kristopeit Edition

Well, the winning ticket decided to send in their answers with a sincere apology on their lateness.

1. Why is America the greatest?
Who could best a country where a guy like Richard Heidrich could rise up and become a top political pundit in a first-class, urban research University? Plus, we have Chuck Norris contained within our fine borders…

RH: You forgot about the Nuge.

2. How will you represent people whose ideology differs from yours?
I won’t… Just kidding.

But, seriously, I promise nothing less than my absolute best in reaching out to students, regardless of their ideology or other identification. At the end of the day, I will have been elected to be the leader of all the students – and I will make sure that each of them knows that both myself and the student government are looking out for them.

RH: Spineless, huh?


3. What salary are you offering me to be your press secretary?
Well, Richard – I gotta win this thing first. But, due to the wildly successful blog you operate here, know you will be first on the list of qualified applicants I consider. As an aside, the position will be called “Public Relations Director” and will be required to send weekly news-updates to the student body – think you’re up for it?


RH: Come on Tyler, ole Grove Stove's got this one in the bag for you. I'm not sure what you mean by "list of qualified applicants," unless you just plan on having my name repeated over and over again. Once I have this position it will not have such a wimpy name, but something more like "Truth Master" or "Straight Jiver." You will also refer to me as "His Jiveness, Richard Heidrich." This is all non-negotiable. Get back to me on that salary (benefits?).


4. How will you keep gay marriage off campus?
Sorry to disappoint you, Richard – I’m not going to do that. Please don’t be mad at me…

RH: Refer to comments on Question #2.


5. How has the liberal elite media (UWM Post) been treating you?
Did anyone else notice that the font size used this week (in the print edition of the UWM POST) in my editorial was smaller than that of my opponent? ‘Nuff said.

RH: I didn't notice actually. I tore as many copies of Burseth's editorial out of every UWM Post I could find and used them as toilet paper.

6. Who would you bring to Pantherfest 2009?
DMB opening for Phish, of course.

RH: This man knows how to pander!


7. Sound off. What do you want to leave PTJers thinking about?
It has been a great week, reaching out to students with my “straight-jive rhetoric”. At the end of the day, I hope that my hard work and strong record of the past two years shows students that I have the ability to lead the best year of SA - ever.

RH: YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!

RH Wango Tango!

Talking with the Candidates: Burseth Edition

I sent the following email to Tyler Kristopeit and Jay Burseth recently:

I've been getting a lot of flak from PTJers for not giving the two of you a fair chance to go head to head so I thought I'd send these questions out to you. You can share them with your VPs, but I think we all know they're just pretty faces without any real ideas.

Well, it looks like Jay Burseth as one testicle and wrote me back. Here's what he had to say:

1. Why is America the greatest?
- America is the greatest because it gives opportunities to all its citizens and makes it so someone like me, a lower working class youth, the possibility of becoming the Student President of a University. While this nation has it's problems, I hope to see it flourish by giving everyone the opportunity to have equal rights to education, health care, employment, and other possibilities which would eliminate the problems that plague us like poverty, war, and de facto segregation.

RH: Yes Jay, we do have equal rights to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps.

2. How will you represent people whose ideology differs from yours?
- My goal as UWM SA President would be to hear the voices of all the students, no matter what their ideology or background, equally. I would represent those with opposing ideologies in the same way I would represent those I ally myself with, in a way that is democratic and just.

RH: Ok, so you'll hear all their voices, but I'm concerned that you'll ignore the wrongs ones.

3. What salary are you offering me to be your press secretary?
- When elected into the Executive Branch, I will be taking resumes and applications from everyone in an equal manner. I cannot promise you a position in the branch, but I will accept your resume. I also cannot promise you or anyone else who applies for any position (myself included) a salary. Further, I have not come to the conclusion whether or not a Press Secretary would be a necessity for our government.

RH: Here's my resume: panthertalkjive.blogspot.com I require at least $14/hr.

4. How will you keep gay marriage off campus?
- I welcome gay marriage. In fact, I will work to give same sex partners the right to have the benefits as other married staff and faculty.

RH: You better not try to gay marry me while I'm in class!


5. How has the liberal elite media (UWM Post) been treating you?
- The UWM Post has been incredibly professional and I look forward to working with them in the future.

RH: By professional you mean that they've been giving you a soft ball questions all along. Typical liberals.

6. Who would you bring to Panthfest 2009?
- I haven't put too much effort into coming with a list of performers, but off the top of my head I'd like to see Street Sweeper Social Club, Rise Against, Against Me, and/or Sage Francis. But, ideally, I would like to open that discussion up for more students at UWM.

RH: Well I don't think any of those are on the radio so they probably suck. The correct answer to this question was DMB opening for Phish. You failed.

7. Sound off. What do you want to leave PTJers thinking about?
- I would just like to say that I believe I am the best candidate for SA because I believe in a government that is truly for, by, and of the students and I would put every ounce of my energy into making this a reality. The opportunity for a book rental program is also a main initiative I'd push forcefully.

RH: Lame

Well, that's what we got from Jay Burseth. Pretty boring if you ask me. Now where's that Kristo response?

RH Out!

R.I.P. Bea

You Know What I Hate? Pt. 3 - Tandem Bikes and Hippies!

Look Into My Sexy Eyes

For all of you that don't have a background photo on your computer, now you do. You're welcome.

RH Out!

PTJ Election Coverage Feedback

Well the emails keep flooding in, but I've been tied up with frisbee golf practice so here's just a sampling:

"Where can I get my American flag/crucifix adorned Kristo-Kristi Campaign t-shirt?" - Jared Calhoun

"You really know your straight jive. By the way, dead on with your Julio Guerrero piece." - Mike Zahorik

"I'm glad to see a compassionate conservative take up our cause on the internets." - Emma Sonney

"You're an ignorant piece of shit. Have some respect for people." - Countless Hippies

A Kristo-Kristi Win

The smell of chalk dust in the air signals the beginning of campaigning season so I'd better tell you why the Tyler Kristopeit / Kristi Anderson ticket is the best. Here we go:

1. Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
Jay Burseth and Mike Zahorik are godless hippies that want to have orgies in the middle of the union just because they can. We all know marriage is between a man and a woman and sex (at least among Christians) never happens outside of marriage. Once good Christians are married, sex is only missionary...no butt play folks.

I'm also inclined to vote for whoever has the closest name to Jesus Christ and as Tyler pointed out this is the Kristo-Kristi Campaign. If I'm not mistaken, Kristopeit is German for Christ-lover. I'm sold.

2. Fiscal Conservatism
Tyler Kristopeit has been a part of the College Republicans and Conservative Union for many years now and always emphasized fiscal responsibility through SUFC. Now I know what you're thinking, "but Richard, the College Republicans just requested over $144,000 for next semester to operate." Well they only got $53,000 of that...asshole. That's almost a third of what they wanted! As the College Republicans spending on campus balloons out of control, who better to reign it in than College Republican and soon to be President of the SA Tyler Kristopeit?

3. Straight Jive - Kristi Anderson
I think Kristi Anderson held her own as Team Hippy rambled on endlessly in this Radical Hippie Mouthpiece article. Let's see what she had to say:

UWM Post: Are you in support of the name change idea?
Anderson: I am

UWM Post: What do you think can be done to get students more involved in student government?
Anderson: ____________

Great ideas Kristi!



4. Why so serious?
If there's one thing the SA needs, it's time to take a chill pill. Well, not literally...pills haven't been working out so well on our campus lately. Regardless, I think Kristo-Kristi can bring some love to this arena. Look at Kristi having a good time in local Milwaukee bars. Now I know what you're thinking again (I'm claravoyant or whatever): Isn't it stupid to advertise your illegal activity as an underage drinker on facebook via your photos? What you don't know (and Kristi's way ahead of you on this one) is that Kristi's mom took all of those photos making it legal for her to drink underage in Milwaukee bars. I'm sure all of Kristi's friends (and mom) will confirm this.



5. The Photo
I just want to compare the two photos taken of the separate tickets. In the Burseth/Zahorik photo two seemingly heterosexual hippies standing a bit too close for my comfort. Does that brown sweater signify something? I don't know, I just report the facts, you decide!
Now the Kristo-Kristi photo: Tyler holds a perfect pose, unnatural political smile, and a rigid lean on the ledge behind him...that's a good politician people! Kristi Anderson is just the right distance away from Kristopeit so no hanky panky can take place between the two of them. She also displays plenty of school spirit with that kick ass UWM apparel. A+ Kristo-Kristi!

Well, I think I've given you five damn good reasons to vote for Team Kristo-Kristi. Hell, vote twice (see Rob "On my IEC throne, bitches" Grover for more details).

RH Election Sweep!

Julio Guerreo is an Asshole

Look, I love everyone, but Julio Guerrerero is a fucking asshole! When will this "I lost the SA Elections and need to remind you of it" shit stop!? I know, I know, Julio, "shredded votes," "kicked off the ballot," "Scott should have been VP," "I'm a liberal commie." I've heard all of your whiny rants and I'm just tired of them!.

So please stop posting these fucking articles on facebook from the Madison.com website about the Radical Hippie Mouthpiece not getting their little pieces of paper from the SA.

Listen Julio, anyone can come up with 147 pages and turn them into J.B. Van Hollen ("Justice Bitches Van Hollen?), but that doesn't mean this is newsworthy or I would have seen it on Panther Talk Live.

RH Out!

SA Elections: Burseth and Zahorik

Jay Burseth and Mike Zahorik must be stopped. The UWM Post, hereafter referred to as "Hippie Radical Mouthpiece" posted an interview with these two turds (Kyle, back me up on this one) recently. Look at what they said:

it’s ridiculous that we have to pay $400 or $500 a semester [on books] - Burseth

That's what the market dictates asshole! Live with it you whiny hippie.

Look what they want to do to the structure of the student government!

Open forums, everyone knows what’s going on with the Senate. And most importantly, online veto power so all students would have a direct say in what gets passed. If they really feel passionate about something, they can organize around it and not just complain to the legislators who wrote it. - Burseth

Hey, let's test it out PTJers! Email sdsjay@gmail.com and veto his campaign. We don't need an open forum! We already have elected representatives that you can contact at the UWM SA Legislative website.
Seriously, click that thing, click on your school's Senators, and email them to tell them that they should also veto the Burseth/Zahorik Campaign. That's representation!

On changing UWM's name to something great:

But with the current economic situation it’s really hard to convince people that we should spend money on this and not combat the amount of tuition increase that’s happening every semester. It’s almost putting the future possibility of being marketed better before the students. - Zahorik

Shut up tool.

I think that hard hitting critique is going to simmer in your little noggins for a few days, but I'll be back with my admiration for the good ticket as soon as I get a chance.

RH Out!

P.S. That picture (and pink collar) shows us how close Jay wants to get to Santiago...too close for my comfort!

Come on, Kyle!

Kyle Duerstein recently posted at Panther Talk Live on the subject of the failed Ohler/Raatz 2009 "Craze the Elections" campaign. All Kyle needed to do was inform us of this decision, but instead he had to take a swipe at your old friend Richard here at PTJ.

What the fuck Kyle? Not only did I have a major breakdown when I read the news, but you had to go and insult me on Panther Talk Live, one of the Top 10 College Internet Radio programs in the U.S.! You son of a...oh Kyle, I can't stay mad at you.

;)

RH Out!

That Student Association Smile

You know the one, that grin you get when you hear the Student Association is back to the old days of 15 minute meetings and approval of all good agenda items. Talk about efficiency!

I think we all need to take a little time and congratulate our man Robert "Finally IEC Bitches" Grover or "Grove Stove" as his adoring fans (me) like to call him, on finally becoming the IEC. Apparently this Stuart Gavin fuck doesn't get it. Rob was the President of the Students United for Change party which now controls the student government and is now the Independent Election Commissioner presiding over the election that will oversee a smooth transition for SUFC, which no longer exists. Get over it hippy!

Now I know what some of you liberal critics are going to say, but it's not Grover's fault that around half the amount of candidates are running this year compared to last year. This is merely an acceptance of current policies carried out by the SA and approval of the now non-existant SUFC agenda. Well, good luck to all the non-hippy candidates!

Look for my candidate breakdown when I'm done trading stocks.

RH Delighted!

P.S. Ladies, I hear the Grove Stove is cookin' a big ole spicy sausage just for you! Just make sure he takes it off the stove before it gets too hot or you'll have a hell of a mess to clean up.

You Know What I Hate? Pt.2 - The Gays

I am enraged!!!!!! Well I guess that's not new, but look at what Iowa did! Do we have to call Iowa a purple state now? I'm surprised at ABC News' amazing coverage. They have correctly identified Iowa as the "Gay Marriage Mecca." I always knew those Muslims were trying to turn us gay. Why can't they just stay in their countries and leave us alone!? I mean, at least we made it safe for everyone in Iraq and the Afghanistani people have democracy sprouting in their overgrown poppy fields.

Fuck it! Let's Boycott Iowa. No more corn, no more trucks stops, no more Quaker Oats. Let's do this.

RH Boycott!