So much to cover

Well I thought bringing my cousin Goddard on board would help fill the hot, sweaty, gaping PTJ void in all your lives, but it doesn’t seem like he’s up to the task yet. He’s let a few things slip by and I think we’d better address them ASAP.

Last week Nathan Johnson rambled on about nationalism being a bad thing. As usual we get common sense in the comment of one Johanan Raatz. Johanan points out the harmlessness, fun, and joy of nationalism, saying it’s “simply community spirit. It’s just rooting for the home team, the same way you would root for the Brewers over the Red Sox…” Ted Williams, a great American, didn’t just root for his home teams (the Red Sox and America), he actively participated. Williams’ career took a 7th inning stretch of sorts when he decided to spend his time bombing Koreans in the Korean War. Apparently the Koreans were paying more than the Sox then and we all know Ted was a big proponent of the free market (who knew they even had an Air Force then?). Sometimes things get a little heated in international affairs and baseball and “teams” have to go to war in extra innings. So remember Nathan, you idiot, nationalism is just like baseball, except the foul balls explode and the fans are “collateral damage.”

Now it’s time we turn to the future of the Republican Party. Conservative leaders have put together the Mount Vernon Statement, which, without reading, I’m sure I agree with. Unfortunately, some asshole (I’m looking at you SDS) signed “Adolph Hitler” as the first name. These antics have caused leaders to bar anyone from signing the digital document. The Christian Science Monitor’s Tracey D. Samuelson at least gets the feeling right when she says, “one hopes that in 1789, when anonymity was a little harder to come by in a live constitutional assembly, Americans were more polite to one another – or at least, more respectful.”

I too yearn for the days of old when white men could decide what’s good for this country, go home to put their wives in line, and make sure the slaves worked well past sun down. Ahhh yes, the good ‘ole days. I think the Mount Vernon Statement should stand for exactly what the real estate did for its original owner, George Washington. Like Washington put off emancipating his slaves until his death, let us, the conservative moement, put off any kind of responsibility for the economic situation. Hey, I didn’t vote for George W. Bush’s massive deficits and if Republican politicians say they didn’t either, who am I to question them? We need to push forward, renewing President Bush’s money-saving tax cuts to help everyone in America.

Next, we need to oppose Democrats’ efforts to reform Wall Street, if anyone is going to get us out of this economic mess, it’s going to be Wall Street and only with massive deregulation. Glass Steagall what? Now I know what you’re thinking so just hear me out, I’m just as pissed at Wall Street as you are my teabaggin’ friend. If we simultaneously call for Republicans to oppose President Obama’s socialist agenda (regulating Wall Street and the healthcare industry) and advocate for reform on these specific points because we have been personally affected, we might just confuse the Democrats enough to cause their defeat! Really, how can they respond to us if we say we want healthcare from companies whose huge profits we care about more than affordable health coverage, yet Congress must make coverage affordable (reform), but we also want the government completely out of their lives? (oh, but don’t touch the military you fuckin’ hippies…I want them all up in my life). By the time they’ve figured out we’re just making a lot of noise because Glenn Beck told us to, it’ll be time for the 2010 elections and Democratic supporters will be too afraid to leave home.

Alright, I think we have a plan, but in the case that I can't pick up Goddard's slack, I'd like to say that I've saved the best news for last:

PANTHER TALK LIVE IS BACK
Ok, so I'm a bit suspicious because the first post in months appears to be poetry of some sort. After Kyle had to apologize for speaking his mind about black people or something, it seems he may not have withstood the liberal onslaught, his heart, encased in steel may have been cracked open, creating a true bleeding heart. His next post offered to have a discussion!!!! This isn't the Kyle I know! The old Kyle would just tell people what to think and then berate anyone that might be in opposition to him.

If you're still in their old Kyle, I want you to show me a sign and when I see that sign it will open my eyes. Yeah, I know life is demanding without understanding and you've told me time and time again that "no one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong," but where do you belong Kyle!?

Heidrich Out!